Monday, February 19, 2007

Jeans. Divorce, And Trust.

Well yall,get a cuppa coffee or something cause I'm a bit long winded today.

About 3 years ago I bought me some new jeans from Sams club. The size on the suckers was correct, and it was the short length, so I made the regular faux pas of just buying without trying on.
Apparently a size 13 in l.e.i. brand jeans, means 13 year old ackward boy child. I was shocked, I mean, I really couldn't figure it out, to hold them up and just look at the waist, well sure it looks a little snug, but I can fit in those........ Not.

The whole reason I had to buy new jeans was because I was drinking wine everyday and gaining weight instead of losing. None of my other pants came close to fitting, and they were size 12's that were baggy cut and made out of that stretchy lycra jean material. So when I saw 13's, I figured I would be fine. Complete and total denial of my actual growing size.
I came home, tried to put those suckers on, and could not even squeeze them over my thighs, and FORGET about hips or tukkus. I. Was. Mortified.

How did this happen to me?

It all began in 2000, the year of my divorce. When I moved to MI in the spring of 2001, I weighed a grand total of 120 pounds on my 5'2 frame. Its the most fit I had ever been in my entire life. I ate well, exercised often but also aquired a drinking habit. I looked great, but was a complete insecure mess on the inside. I was fighting with God. I didn't understand why I would keep praying for my marriage to work out, and my X would just become more of a controlling jerk. I didn't care what the Lord said about divorce or seperation anymore, I was getting the hell out of there. I was not going to let my sons be raised with him as their role model, and frankly I knew I deserved to be loved and not resented. X never did get past the myopic idea I got pregnant on purpose and 'trapped' him....he also never considered that it was me who was settling for him because I had made a mistake and face my mistakes. He was the mistake, not the baby.
By New Years Eve 2000 I finally realized that the idea of one more year in the marriage was worse than being a broke single mom living in a ratty trailer on a friends property. By this time I had 2 sons, both under 5. Yes, it really was that bad. I told him such, and to make a really long boring story short, he was living with his mom by February. The same month, I called Himself to see how he was doing. He and I had carried on a long distance relationship in high school, and deep down, I had always known he was the one God had intended for me. But I was young and stupid, and it was him I had cheated on when making that mistake with X. (Not that Himself is all innocent here, but this is my story, not his ;) ).
At this point, it had been almost 7 years since he and I had spoken freely, and by freely I mean that we were both single. Well, kinda single. See, my divorce was no where near complete, but to be honest, I had long been emotionally divorced from X. Truth be told, when I was literally AT THE ALTAR I was thinking "I wonder how long it will be until we divorce". What does that tell you eh? Still, legally, I was not yet free. And I was mad.
M.A.D. at G.O.D.
I didn't want to live by those outdated Bible morals, I did not want to have standards, dammit I didn't kill my baby when I got pregnant and that should earn me some leeway right? I want to have fun, I want to be young, and go to parties, have flings, do all those things that looked like they would be so much fun and then I would be happy. I just want to be happy God, why am I not happy? I followed all your rules and believe in You and even pipe up about You when I'm at parties (nothing beats a drunk witness *sigh*) I am a GOOD person and its MY life and I. Want. To. Be. Happy.
Pass the whine.
Freshly single, in what I thought was a smoking hot body, thinking I had the world on its ear, I set off on my new life. Got a job at the frame shop, sold the married house, bought a new fresh start house and went head first into a drunken worldly secular lifestyle. I would call Himself every now and again, and by his birthday he decided he was going to fly me up to Michigan to see him for the first time in a million years. I fought it. I honestly knew that if I saw him again, we would be back together, I would have to stop being so self centered and stupid crazy. I saw God giving me another chance with him, and that I had a major fork in the road ahead of me. I could choose the love of my life, or drinking and lonliness. I pulled my act together and showed up being all Miss Personality and southern charm. He says he knew he was going to marry me the moment he first saw me at the airport.
So, lets make another long story abit shorter and fast forward to May 2001. I moved to Michigan, we were getting married that July.
I was still drinking, but that was okay because he comes from a european family that drinks. All the time. I fit right in.

*4 years later*

I now have a daughter. I never drink while pregnant, so have been sober the better part of a year. I get a drink when she is 2 weeks old. That is the day the good Lord slapped me upside the head with a round of "What in the hell are you doing Dana?" He broke me. Split me right down to my core, took me to my bottom so that I could be rebuilt. My ego, my pride, my own idea of what I thought I could do on my own. My huge feminism streak (if a guy can do it I can do it better, blah blah blah), everything I just KNEW I had control of. Complete total utter breakdown and destruction of the one known as Dana.

*18 months later*

I am a different person. A new person. I think differently, I see the world differently. Where there was shades of grey in right and wrong, now everything is black or white. Its so much easier living this way with these eyes. I have no desire to drink, I have no desire for anything really. Looking at the big picture of my life now, I am content.
Yes there are things I want to do, to experience, places I would like to live, ect, but all my actual needs are met. My real needs. My wants just give me something to pray for and dream about, but my life is sweet where I am. Instead of filling that empty hole inside with over eating and drinking, I am full on just being. I joke that my knitting keeps me from eating, but I know what is really going on. All that emotional weight I put on that started when I first threw my nose up at the Lord in 2000 is starting to slide off as I return to His guidance, His word, His laws.

I am feeling resentful lately. Frustrated. Where I have an over all feeling of being content, there is this part that feels stretched thin. Almost like God is not listening (when that generally means it is me with plugged ears), but then that makes me think that perhaps, just perhaps, I am trying to be in control again. Do things my way instead of His. I pray for the Lord to change my heart or the situation, only to be met with quiet.....but this time its a peaceful quiet. The words "Be still my daughter and wait, for I am Your Father" echo through my mind often.
My flesh is fighting that. Its visible on my face now. I get sores on my face when under alot of stress, I woke up yesterday looking like the stress plague hit me full blast. I am impatient at the same time I feel peace. Does that make any sense at all? I was telling my husband about all these things going on inside of me last night, and woke up feeling a bit desperate for something from the Lord, just a little something Lord, so I know you are listening.
Off I go to get more coffee, change a baby's pants, come back upstairs to get dressed *another sigh* all these pants and none fit well. Just for giggles I'll try on that pair that I will never fit in just so I can wallow in some pity for awhile. I felt too guilty to just get rid of them when I first tried them on, cause I had just spent money we really didn't have on pants that didn't fit. These guilt jeans have lived in my closet for years, with the tags still on. Good Lord almighty I really was a delusional drunk when I bought these,I was thinking, but they are cute. Here goes............and oh my........they fit.

Thank You Lord. *cry's a little*

You know, I never NEVER thought that fitting in a pair of jeans would mean so much to me. I certainly never thought I would take it as a sign from God. The Creator of The Universe splits open seas and stuff, things like letting a fat girl fit in slim jeans as a sign she really is on the right path? Nah, I never woulda thunk it. But its true. I really did and do honestly feel that way. Like the Lord really does care, and He knew just how to touch me this morning to assure me that He is listening, He does care, I am on His path and I just need to keep on keeping on because fitting in these jeans is the very least of what He has planned for my future. I just had to share that, get it out on cyber paper, cause you never know who else needs to read it, or if I'm going to need this as a reminder for the next time I'm feeling like I've gone crazy. Cause yall, He is real, and this morning He reached out and hugged me with a pair of jeans that make me feel pretty.

1 comment:

Jess said...

so glad you shared. :) :) :)